Bigger than covering sports, my struggles with depression

Alec Kornet attempts to regain control of the loose puck during a game against the Mayfield Wildcats in January 2017. I had the pleasure of playing with Alec from 2014 until I witnessed his unexpected death at hockey practice three years later. Photo by Brush Arcs Hockey.

Jack Butler jbutle58@lakers.mercyhurst.edu

February 14, 2017, was just an ordinary Tuesday for me. I went to school, drove home and did some homework, ate dinner with my mother, and headed to the ice rink for hockey practice. That practice our team was preparing for our Ohio High School Athletic Association (OHSAA) District State game. At around 8:30 pm we lined up for shootout drills. Alec Kornet took a shot on net, then I followed suit and did the same. When I finished, I noticed that Alec seemed to be acting unusual. So, I skated toward him, where I spotted him taking a sip of water in front of the bench. Then, I genuinely asked him, “Alec are you okay,” and he responds, “I don’t know if I am okay or not.” We both hop over the boards, take a seat on the bench and get a breather. While seated, I reached down to tie my left skate and heard Alec make a loud grunting noise, then lifted my head up and there I saw him lying on the bench floor unconsciously. I witnessed the coaches perform CPR on him but did not generate a pulse or heart rate, so they transported him to a hospital. Unfortunately, the doctors could not save him as he died of Sudden Cardiac Arrest that evening. When I first heard the news, I was in disbelief shouting “no!” Then I began to sob and sob some more which felt like a piece of my heart was taken away from me. Four days after witnessing the tragedy, our team had to play a hockey game without our captain and leader Alec in front of a thousand people at the Kent State Ice Center. We received wonderous applause, respect, medals from Lake Catholic, and when the PA announced Alec’s name, the place chanted, “Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec…” We lost 10-0 to them but the number on the scoreboard meant absolutely nothing as our team skating hard for Alec. That would be the last time I laced the skates in high school as a stress fracture sustained from a late-season cross country race ended my senior hockey season. It would not be until Saturday, September 29, 2018, until I stepped back on the ice with the Mercyhurst Lakers Division II ACHA Club team. During the time between those two events, I entered into an extremely rough patch. On Valentine’s Day 2018, I remembered the great teammate, student, and friend Alec Kornet was which was extremely challenging. When I came back from school that afternoon, I began talking to God saying, “you took the wrong person, he had so much to live for… you should have taken me instead.” I wanted to take my own life while also not enjoying the activities that I usually enjoy such as watching sports, hanging with friends, watching movies and listening to music. I even had trouble getting out of bed in the morning and did not want to do anything. But through talking with a psychiatrist and increasing my medication I survived the first anniversary. Through that challenging experience with depression, I understood that nobody should ever need to go through this alone.

Another year later in February, I encountered my usual battle with depression as it occurs during the anniversary of the passing of Alec Kornet. I expected this to come, however, I did not know how I was going to react because of it being the first anniversary away from home. This one I took the hardest since his passing as through a duration of almost two months I was not acting like my normal upbeat, enthusiastic, and friendly self. During that depressed period, I was spending more and more time alone and horrible thoughts began to appear. I had thought that I did not do enough to save my friend from dying at hockey practice since I hesitated to tell the coaches he collapsed. This made me feel extremely guilty about the situation leading to suicidal thoughts and feeling bad about myself. But I noticed something was wrong with Alec as he was not his normal self which meant I was being a caring teammate. Also, I asked if he was okay as well as sitting on the bench with him until his fatal collapse and I just was shocked, not even saying a word. This is a normal reaction for a seventeen-year-old in a traumatic situation and I am proud of how I handled it. However, I still regret not telling the coaches what happened which sadly would not have changed the fate of Alec’s life. Even though I realized nothing could have been done, I continued to feel guilty and down. I was in a horrible state mentally and needed help, so I talked with therapists at the counseling center countless times. It was good to let my thoughts and feelings out through words, but I learned the importance of creating a support group on campus. So, I told some of my close friends my struggles with my mental health and they were there for me whenever I called or needed to chat as they always responded with empathy and compassion. Besides talking with friends and therapists I increased my medication, spent more time with my friends and in my happy place: covering the Mercyhurst Baseball team for the Merciad. This provided me an escape from my distressful reality as well as doing something that I love. Through this battle with depression, I learned the importance of having support at Mercyhurst and felt comfortable opening up to friends. Just remember if you or somebody you love is struggling with their mental health know that you are never alone.