The Waiting is the Hardest Part

Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers perform “The Waiting” at the Wiltern Theatre in Los Angeles, California on Tuesday, August 6, 1985. Photo by YouTube.

Jack Butler jbutle58@lakers.mercyhurst.edu

CLEVELAND, Ohio – I have listened to “The Waiting” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers countless times over the last two and a half years. One of Petty’s most famous songs has taught me an important lesson in life which led to it becoming my motto since 2017. From the first time I heard that track in October 2017, it resonated with me in a really profound way.

During that Autumn, I was running in my second to last race cross country race of the season.

It was a gorgeous early October Saturday at the Andrews Osborne Invitational and our varsity squad ran at around 11 o’clock where all seven of us were in the best shape of our lives after training hard for two months. Once the umpire fired the starting gun, I knew what I sought out to do, run a sub-19-minute 5k.

I had a phenomenal first two miles by running a 6 minute and a 6 minute and 12 second first and second miles respectively. With that steady pace, I thought I could keep it up, however, my left leg began to hurt, and it became more painful after each stride I took. My pace slowed significantly during the final mile. When I finally made it across the bend, I kept going until my mom and other Lawrence Lions spectators told me to stop running. So, I literary hobbled over the finish line, then collapsed on the soft grass. My mother hurried over to me immediately and I slowly walked to the trainer with her. The trainer checked my leg out and expressed, “That will hurt in the morning.” It defiantly ached the next morning but before I experienced that pain, I needed to get home because I could barely walk.

Jack reaches the second-mile marker at the Andrews Osborne Invitational on Saturday, October 7, 2017. Photo by Lynn Butler.

In order for that to happen my mom asked a worker to give us a lift in the gator to her car where she would then drop me off beside my automobile. I drove home and still to this day am beyond blessed I injured my left leg, not the right one since there is no possible way to drive left-footed. Once we both arrived at the house, my mom gathered the clothes I would wear for homecoming and helped me take a bath. Then, both of us went to the emergency room to receive crutches where the nurses performed x-rays and ultrasounds which they discovered no broken bones from the results. One of the nurses told me and my mom that it might just be shin splints.

I stayed at the ER for close to two hours which unfortunately caused me to be an hour late for dinner while also showing up to the Homecoming Dance at 8 pm. It became really challenging for me to enjoy the dance since every person that came up to me asked, “what happened?” So instead of just taking in my last homecoming, I decided to tell them why I am on crutches. It got tiring after a while by explaining the same story over and over again but at least I had an interesting night that I will always remember.

For the next two weeks, I laid on the long part of the couch where I watched the Browns and Indians both lose while also supporting my cross country teammates at practice and cheering them on at the Lake Effect Conference Championship. Even though we were down two of our top five boy runners, we still ended up hoisting the LEC Championship trophy for the fourth consecutive year.

After sustaining a stress fracture in his tibia during the previous race, Jack holds the Lake Effect Conference Championship trophy, with his best friend Daniel Ranallo behind him, when the Lions won the meet over Lake Ridge Academy without two of their top five runners. Photo by Lynn Butler.

The day after celebrating my 18th birthday, my mom and I went to an appointment with an orthopedic doctor to take a closer look at my left leg. The nurse took multiple x-rays of my left tibia which the doctor clearly pointed out that I had obtained a stress fracture in my tibia from running so much. Even worse was hearing that I could not play my senior hockey season with Brush while also learning no surgery nor operation would heal the fracture as time was the only thing on my side.

After learning that I could not play hockey and walk for two months, I went to school and people had no clue why I was smiling. Photo by Will Canaday.

2 months. For 2 months, I could not walk, run, nor do any physical activity and needed to be wearing a boot on my left foot with crutches guiding my ability to move around the house and school. This waiting was the hardest part as just eight months prior I lost my best friend and teammate Alec F. Kornet to sudden cardiac arrest, but I gained a better understanding of life by experiencing a severe injury that God wanted me to go through as an opportunity to learn.

So, 2017 had not been my year so far, however, there were less than two months to end it on a positive note. I thought I did that by displaying an extremely positive attitude about the current situation. But without listening to “The Waiting” by Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers I possibly don’t take a silver lining away from not being able to play hockey and baseball for four months. Missing that hockey season really sucked but I became a better teammate and person after it. Nevertheless, I still dressed for Senior Night festivities as I lined up for the opening face-off and hopped off after being on the ice for just eight seconds.

Following close to three months of physical therapy I was back on the ice for Senior Night. Photo by Lynn Butler.

Through bi-weekly or monthly check-ups with my doctor, letting it heal, and later starting physical therapy by walking and swimming in an Olympic sized pool I started to feel better. At first, I disliked doing PT but once I got the hang of it I thoroughly enjoyed how my body felt whenever I pushed myself through the water. Even harder than PT was relearning how to walk but through my mom and doctor’s support got cleared on March 15, 2018, for the baseball season at Lawrence.

The waiting sucked and was so worth it at the same time as I played my best baseball campaign for Lawrence. Coach Dan Thompson put his trust in me when I toed the rubber and I always attempted to never let him down. Coach Thompson was the first coach that really believed I could pitch since he put hours in working with me on improving my pitching mechanics. He trusted me so much that I pitched our first game and I earned the win at a freezing windy day at Historic League Park in Cleveland. Throughout the season, I started or pitched out of relief and played a ton of outfield, especially commanding centerfield.

A month later on Thursday, May 10, 2018, Thompson named me the starter for a game I almost showed up late to as I missed the exit but made it just in time to stretch and throw warm-up tosses. I was shaky at first but with my mom, Nana and Papa behind home plate watching I pitched the greatest game of my life. I tossed 6 innings allowing one measly hit, walked 8, and struck out 13 batters on over 100 pitchers. Despite my performance keeping our team in the game, we ended up losing 4-3 on a throwing error but Coach Thompson did not care about that as tears of joy were running down his cheeks and gave me a big hug.

Lawrence Lions southpaw Jack Butler finishes his delivery against Maple Heights on Thursday, May 10, 2019. Photo by Lynn Butler.

Coach Dan Thompson and southpaw Jack Butler share a heart felt moment together behind first base following a crushing 4-3 loss to Maple Heights. Photo by Lynn Butler.

I pitched one more game that season, a playoff matchup against Bard Early College High School where I could not get out of the first inning after striking out the first hitter on three pitches. Coach moved me to centerfield and my hot bat continued by having a three-hit game, but our team could not rally back all the runs I gave up in the first. It was not my fault, but I wish there was a do-over because I could have done better.

My time as a high school athlete was finally over where I made some great friends and memories I’ll forever cherish. Once I graduated from Lawrence Upper School, I focused on getting back in hockey shape in order to try out for the Mercyhurst University American Collegiate Hockey Association (ACHA) Team. It took me a while to the hang of it but after a couple of times on the ice, I felt that I could make the rosters.

When I arrived at Mercyhurst in late July 2018 for the summer PASS program to get a head start on taking a college class and getting acclimated, I found information for the hockey tryouts. Four weeks later I entered hell on ice as I was playing against the best competition of my life. I thought to myself that I could not play at this fast-paced level since the players were catching and zipping passes left and right and I had not competed since Saturday, February 18, 2017. However, I proved myself wrong after showing everything I had which resulted in me becoming extremely nervous. Following the final scrimmage on Saturday, August 25, 2018, Paolo Sivilotti told me, “Jack, Tom wants to see you.” So, I showered as fast as I could, got dressed and headed to his office. I knock on the door, take a seat, and he seriously tells me that he loved my heart and work ethic on the ice. Then, asked me “Jack, do you want to be part of this program?” I answered “yes sir” in a serious voice, shook his hand, and left his office. Once I heard the news, I called my mom and she was so proud of me while I could not believe that my dream of playing college hockey is coming true.

I knew it would not come easy but through hard work, discipline, and a positive attitude anything was possible. They told me that I would not get a lot of playing time which needed to be earned by skating my ass off at every practice. During the week of practice before our first game, my coaches told me that I would be dressing against Penn State Behrend which would be the first time I suit up in 19 months. It defiantly was an emotional day for me as my dream was happening right before my eyes. Even though I only received 4 shifts, we narrowly squeaked by Behrend and after the game, I began to tear up since the last game I played was without Alec. Besides our coaches and lopsided games, I thoroughly enjoyed playing ACHA DII hockey at Mercyhurst.

Defensive pair William “Patty” Patterson and Jack “Jackie Butts“ Butler celebrate a goal by engaging in a hug. Photo by Shannon Meyers.

Once the season wrapped up, I constantly kept contacting Mercyhurst Head Baseball Coach Joe Spano about potentially covering the games. Spano would not respond to my texts or emails because he is an extremely busy individual, but I finally ran into him at the new on-campus pub The Roost. He told me that I can cover their games which did not end up well for me as the Director of Athletic Communications specially told me that we don’t need to broadcast the games on a livestream. During the same time as my pursuit of calling the baseball games, which I settled for being a baseball beat writer for the Merciad, I still experienced my usual bout of depression.

This depression happens in mid February since I reflect and picture the horrible memory of witnessing Alec die at hockey practice on Valentine’s Day 2017. I first remember how great a person he was but then can’t believe that he is gone. Alec had so much to live for at the young age of 17 but God put him in the rightful place of heaven. Nevertheless, during that awful time thoughts started appearing in my head that I did not do enough to save Alec the night he died. The reason is that I was the last person who he interacted with as I skated over to him since something was strange with Alec. Before we hopped over the boards, I asked him, Hey Alec, are you okay?” Alec, in a serious voice, said, “I don’t know if I am okay or not.” We jumped the boards, both took a seat on the bench and I reached down to tie my left skate. While tying my boot I heard Alec make a loud grunting noise and when I looked up to my left he was passed out on the bench floor.

During the last practice of our Sophomore year Alec Kornet and I hopped on top of the net to take this amazing shot. Photo by Todd Bluffestone.

Looking back at that situation today I still think I should have immediately informed the coaches that he collapsed, however, there was nothing more I could have done except being a caring teammate. More importantly, I reacted how any seventeen-year-old would have after experiencing a traumatic event by being absolutely speechless. From those horrible thoughts, I started feeling really guilty which resulted in having suicidal thoughts. My mental health deteriorated significantly and I needed help, so I walked myself into the counseling center’s urgent hours to talk about my feelings and thoughts out. It felt better after expressing my feelings through words and writing, but that guilt and thoughts of ending my life worsened.

On Friday, April 6, 2019, I penned my suicide note as I reached my lowest point. I wrote that I needed to be reunited with my father and Alec up in heaven with tears running down my face. The next day I called my good friend who talked me out of doing it which ended in me aggressively ripping the letter into tiny pieces. Through the two months, I was depressed and all I wanted was the pain, horrible thoughts, and mentally draining days to end. Again, I listened to “The Waiting” and remembered how long I would have to wait to feel like my normal enthusiastic, hardworking and caring self. Through speaking with a counselor, my mother, and close friends while also keeping a smile and positive attitude, I finally saw the light at the end of the tunnel. Besides those two times struggling to wait, it has been a key theme for me during the Coronavirus Pandemic and lengthy home quarantine.

Before COVID-19 quickly spread throughout the United States, I went to the Director of Athletic Communications office and he told me that I would calling the Lakers baseball games through a livestream. When I first received the good news I was filled with excitement because, in less than 96 hours I would be broadcasting the game I love, baseball. That was short lived as four days later on a Friday, March 13, while eating breakfast besides the baseball team checked my Twitter where I noticed a tweet form the Pennsylvania State Athletic Conference (PSAC) announcing that all Spring seasons would be suspended indefinitely. Once I read that tweet, I was in denial and on my way to the quietest place to study on campus in Weber Hall tears were running down my face. After finishing my Haier case study for International Marketing Management, I hurried off to Hirt for my Marketing class. Halfway through the groups presentation on Haier consumer appliances, we got an email from the President’s Office explaining that Mercyhurst would be canceling online instruction for two weeks where the learning would take place online.

After attending my last two class of the afternoon, I packed my belongings and drove home, but I did not even spend three complete days there. The reason was that I received another email, this time saying that the school was suspending all face to face instruction for the rest of the semester and needed to grab my hockey gear and all of the belongings that could fit into my Honda Pilot. On Tuesday, March 17, I drove back to Cleveland and yet another email ruined plans for getting the rest of my stuff. It said that there is a case of COVID-19 in Erie County which meant nobody could come

nor leave the campus. For the next 33 days and counting I have been stuck in my house watching baseball games, playing a bunch of MLB The Show and MLB 2K6 and 7, writing my book, and baseball articles for my Wix Blog.

When my Spring Semester on campus got cut short because of COVID-19 I was really devastated. The reason is I thought that I was getting the hang of managing my time and creating a decent balance between school, hockey, sports journalism, and a social life. More importantly, Spring is my favorite time during the school year where the weather gets nicer, the beautiful tree by Old Main blooms, and Mercyhurst Baseball is in full swing. The latter is what I miss most about being quarantined since I can’t call the game I love.

Jack holds a baseball firmly in his right hand while keeping score of the Division II Super Regional between Mercyhurst and the University of Charleston on Saturday, May 25, 2019. Photo by Austin Gorton.

I thought that I was ready to broadcast baseball games every weekend for two months but maybe my time is not right now and will have to wait again. It is frustrating to be named the play-by-play man for Mercyhurst Baseball and don’t even call a single game or doubleheader. God definitely has a plan for me and all of us and the Lord did this to give me the opportunity to grow physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I will be doing a lot of waiting during this time and Tom Petty says that it is the hardest part but I hope I become a better person on the other end. Even with the current world we are trying to live in, I wish that all of you stay safe, healthy, and more importantly find a silver lining from COVID-19.